Something that I tend to do a lot is lay awake and think...ALL the time lately. 3-4 months ago I sat thinking...why me?! Why my little boy?! But...I began to think about the heart God gave me for those with special needs or the "sick". When I was in elementary and middle school I would go down and help in the special education room and talk to and interact with all of these children that were wheelchair bound or had special needs in all various ways. I grew up with best friends with special needs and always felt like their "protector" and friend of normalcy that didn't see them as someone with a special need. I used to sit down and read to my blind friends in the library or work with them on their braille, guided them down the hallways, or helped load the children in wheelchairs on their buses after school.
When my pawpaw was alive we (my sister and I) were called his "little nurses". We would run to the door every day after he would get home from work (cutting trees down etc) and have a big tall glass of ice water and the first aid kid. He had diabetes and other things too so I always helped prepare his medicines and cut his prescriptions/pills in half and place them in each day for him to take. Then a few years down the road he got very sick with cancer and I was helping take care of him everyday with whatever he needed, helping with making his various medicines, and by his side throughout the day while my step-grandmother went to work. I've even been known to stop and help injured animals or stranded animals before too...so I think God has given me a task ahead that He knows I can handle and that He built me for...it's just taken some time to come to terms with my son's diagnosis.
No one wants to see their baby go through what these sweet tough little babies have to go through. I think out of everything and all the feelings I've felt I'm most upset about what I'm going to have to watch our son fight through and know that there's nothing I can do to ease his pain or make him better. Everyone knows a mother's natural instinct is to pick up their hurting child and kiss away "boo boos" and rock and love on their baby until they feel better...I just pray that God gives me the strength to be that strong part of Andrew's recovery and surgeries. I have learned to be strong in everything I face and try to be the strength in bad situations and not let on to too much "emotions" from my part, but with Andrew I can't say that I can stand there and not get upset and cry when I see him after surgery or when I turn him over to the hands of doctors after he's born. That's going to be really hard for me.
I was very blessed with such a supportive husband though. For the past ten years come August my husband has been able to comfort me in a way that no one else ever has been able to. Once God pairs you with that one person on earth that makes you feel safe and like you can face anything that gets thrown your way it doesn't make things seem so "bad". He may not always show his emotions, but I just know him and he knows me and we know when we need each other. I couldn't have been placed with a better person to face this fight with. Our son has a great daddy that displays so much strength and courage when it feels like there's none there at times. We will all get through this together and come out even stronger. That's what we've come to realize with each hardship we've had to face over the years. :)
On a good note, my husband's work is really been a huge blessing with all of this and Andrew's situation. It has been a huge stress worrying if he was going to get his paid time and vacation days and well...all things worked out in our favor and has helped relieve a little of the financial worries.
We have a bunch of other stressful things going on right now outside of medical stuff that we can use some silent prayer requests on. The good Lord knows our needs and I know everything will fall into place in His timing...Better go for now, specialist tomorrow and hoping to find good results from all my testing and that mommy's heart is doing okay too! Please keep the prayers for baby Andrew coming he will be here before we know it!