A FB friend posted something this morning and it made me think of how special my sweet baby really is...I went though an initial grieving stage. I was terrified to "bond" with my unborn baby anymore and I just wasn't looking forward to my delivery at all anymore for the longest...I wasn't ready to watch my newborn son go through so much pain in his first few days of life...When you aren't promised forever with something sometimes you are afraid to really "love" them/it because you're afraid of getting hurt, losing it/them, and just the fear of the unknown...I know that right now as long as he's safe inside the womb that he's fine...he plays and he has a strong heart beat...he's just completely innocent and has no idea what is lying ahead of him. This kills me, but I am learning to cope with it. I know as soon as he gets here that I don't need to be afraid anymore, but I need to love him every second that I have with him. Even if I dont get to hold him like a regular newborn and can comfort him when he cries, I will be able to be by his side and touch him and talk to him and let him know I will be there for him. Even if he doesn't get a lifetime with us, I still have that time with him now. It will make every second with him that much more special to me.
Here I was so upset that something was so wrong with my baby, that I forgot to look at the fact that God blessed us with him in the first place. So many people can't even have children (and we were counseled by someone briefly at church this past Sunday who never got to experience having their own children)...they followed up with God having a purpose for our son. They said we don't know who our story will touch, who we will help get through similar situations, and what God can do through our son...knowing God is watching over my son has been one of the most important things that has gotten me through this and all these crazy emotions.
After his diagnosis I became so upset and angry and then just immediately started grieving my son that I haven't even met yet. My faith was shaken...I had serious doubts, and I was fearful of my future/his future. We went to church as I mentioned this past Sunday and I stood there listening to the first worship song and I just could not stop crying. Somebody probably thought I looked like a crazy person if they had seen me, but this was the first time since his diagnosis that I felt peace about his birth. The song that was being sung during worship was Nothing is Impossible- by the Planetshakers. He reminded me that he healed the blind, he brought man back from the dead, he healed the sick, and made those walk again that couldn't walk...so I knew He had my son's heart in his hands and I felt so much relief for the very first time. If God did all of this why couln't I trust that He would be there with my son through his surgeries and through birth etc...Just like the outreach pastor said at our church, tragedies and chaos will either make you run from God, or seek God to give you strength to get you through. God has shown me and my family in even the smallest ways that He is watching over us and is there for us.
So for now, I am enjoying every little thump and kick and hiccup. Just reminding me that he is already such a blessing in our lives and he's not even here yet. God gave us this special baby because he knew we could handle him. We have already faced so much as a family and it only makes us come out stronger. My husband and I are growing closer and I know he will be my biggest (other than God) supporter through all of this. Knowing I have a husband/father that will do any and everything for me and our family makes a world of difference. He is so special to me in so many ways that I couldn't even list them all. :) Okay, off for now. I'm almost all the way through my parent guide book for HLHS now and feeling much better and more positive about his outcome. :)
Luke 1:37King James Version (KJV)
37: For with God nothing shall be impossible.